A few days back I learnt an important lesson in saying “No”.
I was watching a series called Spotless. Average but with a very important lesson hidden in one of the episodes. Let me share the synopsis.
Our protagonist runs a cleaning company and is contracted by the British police to clean up crime scenes. Given that he is good with his work, a gangster hears of him and asks our protagonist to work for him too, cleaning up his murder scenes and not leaving any clues behind. Without going into details, the protagonist has no option but to say yes. But he has a set of rules. And if the gangster breaks any of the rules, the protagonist reserves the right to say no to cleaning up a murder scene.
It so happens that a rule does get broken and our hero bluntly refuses to clean up the crime scene. The impasse continues for a couple of days but of course the gangster wins this one through blackmail. However, he does say to the protagonist “I respect you for saying no and sticking to your principles”!
Hmm. And most of us can’t say NO to our friends, boss or even colleagues! Even though some of them might be quite the gangsters!!
Why do most of us find it so difficult to say NO to something that we don’t really have the time or inclination for??
Have you observed children? They have zero qualms in saying no to what they don’t like, what they don’t want to do, what they don’t want to eat? But as we grow we become conditioned to the negative associations with saying ‘No’.
Why we hesitate to say NO
- We associate saying ‘No’ with disrespect
- We associate ‘No’ with rejection
- We think saying ‘No’ will be a hurdle to us getting ahead, losing a promotion, falling out of favour etc. This is the fear of consequence.
This holds true both in our personal as well as professional lives.
We can’t say NO to a friend who wants to go shopping because she will feel bad.
We can’t say NO to a colleague for helping out on a project because we may lose favour at work.
We can’t say NO to a boss to meet an impossible deadline because we may lose a promotion.
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Unfortunately we forget the 2 most important costs associated with the inability to saying No.
1. Cost of TIME
Our time is ours to prioritize. When we start devoting time according to others’ needs and wants constantly, we lose the ability to allocate our time according to our priorities.
So you will land up juggling two projects and not being able to do justice to either instead of doing one well, only because you lacked the ability to say no to your boss.
Or you won’t find the time for all the work you had scheduled for a Saturday because a friend begs to help her go shopping.
Think back on all the incidents where your ‘yes’ should have been a ‘no’ for valid reasons.
2. Cost of SELF VALUE
When we say yes to something that we don’t really want to do for a valid reason, we prove that we don’t really value ourselves.
Self value lies in the ability to prioritize and acknowledge what is important to us at any given point of time.
Does saying NO make you rude?
No!
It is a function of your why. You say NO because it is eating into the two costs stated above.
So that brings me to the most important part of this post.
How do you say NO?
1. Don’t make excuses.
Do yourself and the other person a favour and be as honest as possible. It is the easiest way to say no. When you are looking for excuses, it leaves you nervous and unable to articulate your NO well.
Excuses also, sometimes, land up being counterproductive because if the other person is determined, they will beat every excuse down.
e.g: I can’t finish this presentation by Monday because I am going out of town and won’t be able to carry my laptop with me.
Why don’t you make some notes on your phone. We don’t really need a fancy presentation. Just your thoughts on way forward.
Erm No!
Instead, just say, I won’t be able to do it this weekend, because I have other plans and I really won’t have the bandwidhth or the mindspace to be able to come up with a strategy.
Excuses also reduce your own value in your mind. You’ll feel guilty later for having used an excuse and worse, you’ll also feel scared of being found out.
2. Be firm and direct.
It is unfair to leave the other party hanging only because you fear saying no and then later come back and say a no anyway, or worse…not do what you said you would do inspite of saying yes.
If you are sure that you don’t want to agree to something that you are being asked to do for whatever reason, I would strongly recommend that you say an outright NO.
This would make it easier for you, otherwise you will fuss and stress over how you are going to gently let the other person down and it is also easier for the other party then to look for an alternative.
3. Don’t leave room for debate.
Value yourself enough to not get into a negotiation. You will hate yourself for this.
4. Suggest alternatives.
Suggest an alternative option to your friend, to your boss, to your colleague. This also signifies that you are not rejecting the other person, but there is a genuine reason why you can’t take care of the project, but you can help in figuring out an alternate plan.
The inability to say NO probably has worse consequences than saying yes and delivering low quality, half hearted results.
Many successful people have always said NO to tasks and projects that have defocused them from their priorities. You can too.
Till next time,
Dipika Singh
She Means Business
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Dipika, this was a fantastic read, and really showed why so many of us struggle to say no. Too often, I see friends and coworkers associate no with disrespect, and being rude. But you’re right, self-worth is so important in today’s society. Yes, we can help others. Always. But if the cost is too great for us, and our schedule and our plans, it’s okay to say no. –Ryan